This is just irritating

To the Christians who feel like being in America persecutes their way of life and their faith:

Try coming out as gay.
Come out as bi.
As poly.
As pagan.
As atheist.
As Muslim.
As kinky.
As any other "alternative" category you can dream up (no matter how the dreams may frighten you).

Watch your family reject you, or, at best, grit their teeth behind a smile. Know what it's like to live with the knowledge that people are always hoping and waiting for you to change.

A dear married, gay friend shared recently that her dad, who was formerly supportive of her, is starting to question himself. He's starting to wonder if maybe he was wrong about his only daughter, and she really is living a terrible, sinful life. V and I photographed this friend's wedding, and we have a picture of him dancing with her. It blew my mind. (Nothing compared to a later wedding we shot, with both brides' extended families in existence - wow!)

Watch yourself monitor your speech every day, in every situation. Run through the mental gymnastics of audience, timing, appropriateness, stress level, consequences, before saying
"My wife and I."
"Actually, we don't go to church."
"I love both of these people."
"I appreciate your concern, but the bruises aren't from abuse."
"I believe just as strongly, but in a different God."
"Last week, at the gay day at the park."

Is it worth it?
Will three or four words sever a relationship?
What you say is irrevocable. The wrong phrase - or email, or text, or glance at a computer screen, or novel - can lead to questions, accusations, consequences.
They might change your life for the worse.

You're better, being your true self. You're living an honest life.
That doesn't mean it's always easy.

Growing up

Baby Eli turned one yesterday, and celebrated by having a grumpy attitude and pouting at me. He's usually such a happy kid, too - no fair!

Kali, who's almost 2 1/2, is in preschool now, two or three days per week, and, according to her mom, loving it. Her sisters are a month into kindergarten.

Patrick and Lilly turn 5 next week. They were still 1 when I met them.

It's hard, being away from the kids I left. I love Eli, but those five in particular - Kali, Laura, Danielle, Patrick, and Lilly - are something special. We keep trying to plan a trip back, but failing. I don't like it. I need to see them soon.

I'm growing up too, I suppose, which is strange. I'm trying to discipline myself to write more. I have the free time, but I can never figure out what to say or how to do it. I'm trying to keep the house cleaner, since I have by far the easiest workload. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, if there is something I want to pursue.

Growing up is a challenge. I'm sure all my kids would agree.

New phrase

I've been trying a new personal phrase on for size.

"I don't want kids."

It's not something I've ever said. Ever. And I don't know that it's true, or if it is, I doubt it will remain true forever.

But every time I think something longing about a baby, or wish I had one, my brain says, "Eh, I don't think I want kids." And strangely, I don't really argue with it.

Most of this is precipitated by the fact that my depression has been flaring up lately, and so the thoughts of having to go off my medicine while pregnant, combined with the depressive thoughts of what a terrible person I am and what an inept parent I'll be, make it simpler to just forget about having kids.

I've never actually 'claimed' that thought, if you will. But now that I am, I'm finding it relaxing. It's almost like I can go, "Oh, okay, then no worries."

Will I have kids? Probably. This is me we're talking about; never having children would probably be the equivalent of never eating again. So am I lying to myself? It doesn't feel like it. If it becomes a statement that I flinch at, or try to rebut, I'll stop thinking it.

I have to admit, though: this doesn't apply to pregnant women. I still think they're adorable, and I will still grin every time I see one.

How long will this last? Who knows. But it's a fascinating thought experiment for the moment.

In alignment

It's so refreshing to work with parents with whom I agree. Eli is in cloth diapers; he feeds himself; he has some awesome wooden toys. (And some plastic ones. I'm not some sort of purist.) I texted his parents a picture of him sitting on the ground at the tot lot, pinecones piled in his lap and sandy dirt on his legs. His mom's response was "Yay dirt!"

There are little things I'd do differently, of course, but they're minor. After working with Patrick and Lilly's mom until our differences were so exaggerated (I felt like she kept treating them like they were 2, even after their 4th birthday, most notably), being around Eli and his parents is a breath of fresh air.

I don't feel like I have to explain every action I take, or justify it. It's wonderful. It's just me and the baby, hanging out, buying bagels and sippin' along.

No kids today

I love just having Eli. He's so happy, I get along with his parents so well, and my stress level has decreased significantly, at least in regards to work.

V is starting in her classroom this week, which is exciting and overwhelming and unbelievable. It's crazy to watch the past two years come to fruition, as she anticipates twenty preschoolers running around the room that we've carefully set up. She's so ready, though; I worry a little that she'll get overwhelmed, but I know she's going to do amazingly.

Photography has (of course) fallen by the wayside, but hopefully it will resume in the next few months, or at least by next summer. I still dream of coordinating weddings, but have yet to put in the research to get that off the ground.

We bought an adorable used Honda Fit, the cutest little orange car ever, for her to take to work. While the school is only 4 or 5 miles away, doing that by bike or scooter all through the bitter winter would add stress that she doesn't need on top of handling her first classroom. And we're both in love with Clementine - which is what V named her before we even saw her.

Summer has been beautiful here, unseasonably cool, which I'll never complain about. Unfortunately, that makes this hot week feel even worse, but it shouldn't last too long. My allergies have started protesting something or another, and I've been suffering from a pretty bad headache since yesterday - which makes me thankful again that I don't have to worry about Mia. The money was good, but not worth it.

Today I have no children, and a long to-do list of phone calls and research and dishes and entertaining these damn cats (it's harder than it sounds). I miss weekends!

An ending

A week ago, I called Mia's mom, and told her I was putting in my notice. We weren't a good fit, as I explained; Mia wants someone to play with her at all times, and my specialty lies more in the keeping kids clothed and fed department.

Really, it was both her and her mom who were frustrating me. Additionally, I'd been incredibly stressed and depressed (off and on) since moving, and after giving up this job, it's disappeared: that led me to the realization that I started working with her only a few days after moving up, and that it was the job, not the move, that was causing me such problems.

Now, I'm working with Eli some more, and potentially looking for part-time employment in an office setting. And I feel better about everything. I'm so glad it's over.

A moment of negativity

My ten month old should not be able to play alone better than my four and a half year old.

I've been having some frustrations with Mia and her mom, compounded by the fact that she's out of camp and so I'm watching her more hours. Being me, what I want to do is shut down: shut down my emotions, shut down my involvement, close that door and not look back. Given that that's not fair to anyone, though, I'm waiting it out until we settle more into the preschool schedule.

I'm also trying to adapt to commuting by bicycle, with Mia pulled behind in a trailer. Thankfully the summer has been mild, but I'm not sure it's something I'm cut out for. I feel like a terrible city girl, a terrible green girl, and an all-around wasteful person, but I really just wish they had an extra car.

In short, Eli and I are best buddies for life. Mia and that whole situation makes me want to tear my hair out.