Tuesday, December 7, 2010

2 girls + X = baby

I probably shouldn't be tired of the "Do you know how you'll try to conceive?" question yet, given that we haven't even started and already I've been asked more than a few times. Of course, by the time we've started trying, the answer will be much more set (and rather ongoing). For now, nothing is settled; there's just an ideal world in which I get pregnant quickly.

Yes, definitely I. I've been wanting to be pregnant and have a baby for years, and V isn't entirely sure how she feels about the small-person-growing-inside-your-body deal. I'm more than happy to carry and labor; I'd probably ask if we could try to get pregnant tomorrow except that I've promised we'll be married first.

Honestly, we'd like to use a known donor. It's simpler (in some ways), cheaper, and would keep the baby's biological father in the picture. Obviously the hitch there is knowing a donor, and that's something we haven't addressed beyond tossing ideas at each other. Best case scenario? We have a wonderful friend who is more than willing, and I get pregnant on the first try.

How do I feel about all this? Uncertain. Very certain about having a baby, no doubt. Very certain about raising that baby with V. But still a little weirded out by the fact that half of the baby's genes will be from someone totally unrelated to us. I grew up with the "couple falls in love, couple marries, couple makes baby" mindset, and this just seems strange.

I try not to think about the argument my brain occasionally poses, that if V's and my relationship were "natural," we would be able to conceive (or at least legitimately try) together. I love her, I want a baby with her, and this is the way to do it. So be it. Maybe I'll get more comfortable as it gets closer. Maybe not. But I'll do anything for a baby, and a good friend's "contribution" is as good a scenario as any, barring miraculous V-and-I conception.

(See? This isn't something I could have dictated.)


  1. I absolutely agree that it's an odd arrangement. Some might say that if this is the only way to get a baby, we shouldn't be having a baby at all. Fortunately, I don't care about those people or their opinions.
    We decided on using a donor from a sperm bank, one who was willing to be known to the child after they turn 18. We did discuss and even hope for a known donor who could be part of the child's life, but none of our friends were exactly the right fit.
    As the non-bio mother in the picture, I've gone through several stages in trying to accept that half my baby's genes are from a stranger. There's the easiest one, which is intense jealousy and anger that I can't be the other half of the genetics. Then there is trying to forget that it took a third person to make this baby. Finally, I think I've landed on acceptance. I accept that there is a man out there who is biologically related to my child, while I am not. I accept that while he may have donated sperm for the money, he did enable us to have this baby and I am glad he decided to donate. I accept that the baby may not physically resemble me at all, or bear my genetic patterns. But I do believe this baby will learn my habits, the way I talk and laugh and maybe someday, he or she will emulate those things and I'll feel like the luckiest mama who ever lived.
    I hope you can find the right donor and that the relationship with him is easy and fantastic.

    1. I try my darnedest not to care about those people and their opinions, but some days it's easier than others. Frequently depends on which family members I've been in contact with lately.
      We haven't started the known donor process yet, so I can't say if we'll meet with success. If not, we'll probably go the same route you did.
      I feel like V will probably come back to your words in a few years. I may be the one to deal with morning sickness and a hopefully natural labor, but to me, she is going to have the harder job.

  2. I think that family bonds should not be focused on genetics. The focus should be on love. It might be nice for the family to look alike. But by having different genetics, you can promote diversity within your family: "Just because your mom doesn't have the same genes as you doesn't mean she loves you any less."