Accident

I've written before about my depression, that scary other part of me that I try to keep squelched down. Every now and then it gets the best of me.

One of V's summer classes ends tomorrow. We haven't been very good at keeping up with it, and so there's enough homework to probably take from now until class starts tomorrow to complete. A friend is visiting starting tomorrow; the house is a disaster and smells like cat shit. I'm PMSing like nobody's business.

I was supposed to watch Seth and Isabella tonight. On my way out the door (literally), I dissolved into an emotional mess. Wracking sobs, gasping breaths. Irrational sentences: I said something about wanting to get sick so I could just lie on the couch and eat toast, but somehow that turned into me wailing "I just want toast!"

Being an adult is hard. Worrying about money, school assignments, multiple jobs, and the future takes its toll. I told V this felt like mental car wreck. If I got in a physical car wreck, no one would expect me to keep functioning immediately as if nothing had happened. The car accident in my brain was just as bad, but not visible.

V texted Seth and Isabella's mom for me. I don't know what she said. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, when I asked for five minutes to try my hardest not to stress about anything. She gave me more than five minutes, of course; she had my phone, and somehow, I'm not babysitting right now. I don't want to know what she said. Thankfully, I've actually talked to their mom about depression before.

I'm still trying not to feel guilty. Not feel guilty for failing. Guilty for not performing all my responsibilities perfectly. Guilty for being human. That damn guilt has been chasing me for a decade now.

Read

Go read Melissa's piece on Universal Health Care. Now.
V and I are moving to Canada, k?

Speaking of Canada, hopefully I won't have company...

Roll

Lilly: But I wanted to see ALL the animals in the zoo!
We come for three hours tops, kid. Good luck.

Lilly: What's that?
Me: An emu.
Lilly: Patrick, look, an ee-nu!
Me: It's an M. Emmmmmmmu.

Lilly: I'm going to tell mommy there were no tantrums, and she'll be sooooo excited!

Me: I love the new pillows for your beds!
Lilly: Uh-huh! Nana and Papaw were here, and we got new doggies [stuffed animals], and pillows, and games, and clothes...
Oh boy.

My favorite-
Lilly: COWS! I am so EXCITED!!!
Really, cows?

That kid was on a roll today. Also, I french braided her hair three times. It was my first time french braiding; needless to say, the third time looked much better than the first. The first one was so bad it fell out, and the second she pulled on too much when she was angsty at lunch. It's a pretty good look for her, though.

Music class tomorrow! I've missed it.

Sexuality Project

Awhile back, I mentioned that I'd be participating in Sierra's Religious Fundamentalism and Sexuality Project. I've been meaning to link to it again, but it keeps slipping my mind. She had so many responses that she's breaking us up into groups; I think that's awesome, and selfishly love that V and I are in the first group.

Here's what she's posted so far:
Sex Ed and the Body, Question 1
Question 2
Questions 3, 4, and 5
Question 6
Question 7

Peer Group, Question 1
Question 2
Question 3
Question 4

Romantic Relationships, Question 1
Question 2

Go add your voice to the comments over there, or leave some thoughts here!

Lines

It's been awhile since I mentioned the hilarious things that come out of the kids' mouths.

Patrick is very interested in the "lifegarden" who watches over the pool.

I took them down to a block party, and after looking around, Lilly asked me where the blocks were.

At Ikea, they asked me to take a picture of them on the (pink plastic) toddler bed they were playing on. I told them I'd taken enough...so they both got under the covers and snuggled together. Well of course I had to take a picture of that.

I had yesterday off, and it was wonderful. Especially because the kids are sick.

Share

It's been a day. Swimming with the twins, off to Seth and Isabella, and unexpectedly back to the twins, as their mom realized a friend was in town who wanted to meet for dinner. Thankfully, V has been with me for all of it. Swimming in particular is so much easier with two adults to two kids.

The days have been better. No tantrums on Tuesday; only one small one today. I'm calling Monday a fluke, and praying I never walk into the door at home in tears again.

At the pool today, a mom royally pissed me off. My kids had a few toys they'd brought to play with in the baby pool, and the little girl kept grabbing them. Her mother never stepped in, so it was left to me to do the "Hey sweetie, those are our toys; can we find you something else to play with?" After the third or fourth time, the mom finally came over. As she dragged her daughter away, I heard her say, "No, they don't want to share right now."

Excuse me? Who is at fault in that sentence? Not the girl grabbing other people's toys, that's for sure. I'm all for sharing, and sometimes I ask the kids to at the pool. But taking someone's toys right from their hands is never okay; her mom, though, made it out to be my kids' fault. They weren't sharing. They were wrong.

No, you need to teach your daughter to take responsibility. You took the toys. You grabbed things that weren't yours. If you wanted to borrow it, you should have asked.

Not they needed to give it to you. They should have shared.

The entitlement in that simple sentence, "they don't want to share right now," makes me fear for that little girl's future.

I'm not simply being uber-defensive of my kids. I do wish they shared better; they share great with each other (usually) but not so well with strangers. But regardless, they hadn't done anything wrong. And it irks me that the mother totally let her daughter off the hook.

Rant over.

Fail

I don't want to write about yesterday, but I need to. I need to say something about the four and a half hours from hell, and me walking in the door to home, bursting into tears in V's arms. But I don't want to relive it. I'm scared for today. Not as scared, because I have Plans, but still...

The kids were whiny all last week. They were horrid for their parents over the weekend. And yesterday was pretty much a non-stop tantrum from Lilly, plus some spectacular contributions from Patrick, from when I got them up to when they went down for nap.

And I couldn't handle it. I did things I swore I wouldn't. I screamed at them. I smacked her. I failed as a parent.

Before you start to worry for their sake, know I am 100% honest to their parents. I left it in my daily note for their mom; I told their dad how the day had gone.

This morning, I had a long text from their mom. Part of it: "Know that I know you are wonderful and loving to them. I know how frustrating it is."

Not a word of it was condemning.
I'm doing enough of that myself.

All three of us adults in their lives agree that something is up. This behavior is out of character even for the girl who can be Miss Tantrum.

Today, I try something new. I will get them out of bed, throw some clothes on them, and shove food into them as we get in the van. I want to keep things going so there isn't any time to start the cycle. We're heading up to Ikea: their happy place. They've only been twice, but they love it. Jumping on beds, turning lights off and on, running through couches, "working" at desks. (I feel the need to add a disclaimer that they are not so wild as to hamper any shopper's experience.)

It's a trek, but we're going. Swedes, I have faith in you. Don't fail me.