Monday, November 18, 2013

Gay things

I've been thinking about Gay Things lately. I'm reminded of that quote, about gay weddings; paraphrasing, I don't park my gay car before eating my gay lunch, so why must I have a gay wedding. Macklemore's Same Love has been on the radio for quite awhile now, and yet I still tear up or come close every time I hear it.

His timing on releasing that song really was quite perfect. A year ago, I don't think people were ready for it. But now, I watched a video on kids' reactions to finding out that gay people couldn't get married in every state, and one of the little boys said "It's all the same love, like Macklemore said." Regardless of whatever he (the singer, not the boy) does with his career and life, that is a legacy I would be proud to have.

There are lots of people who are okay with V and I being gay, and being married. There are lots of people who are happy for us. In a lapse in public education, there are even more people who aren't aware of the discrimination that still exists: I have told countless people about DOMA over the years, to their absolute shock; the fact that people can be fired for being gay is another huge issue that most people seem to have no awareness of.

But there's a level that goes beyond being okay. It's the line that gets me, every time, in the song.

"No freedom till we're equal...DAMN RIGHT I support it."

That's what sends chills up and down my spine. No waffling, not even just blatant support; a declaration that is the more poetic form of "Duh!" The number of people who aren't just saying "I'm fine with gay marriage," but actively saying, "Damn right I support it," is growing. And that brings me to happy, astounded tears.

Thursday, October 31, 2013


A few days ago, V made the comment to me that she's not ready for us to have a baby, because she isn't ready to not be the center of my attention. It was a silly comment, but the more I've thought about it, the more right it is.

Even taking out the part where I like my sleep too much, and the ability to visit our old hometown without planning out where to sleep until the day before, and not always worrying about actually eating a meal - all of which are very valid reasons for me to not have a baby right now - it's also true that I want to be able to give her my focus, help her with her first year of teaching, run out to Starbucks for a chai latte on a moment's notice, snuggle in bed on the mornings she doesn't have to get up early.

After all we've come through to be together, I've vowed over and over to myself to not ever take her for granted. And while one day, us having a baby will be the perfect expression of what our love has created, for the present, I'm still too busy treasuring the fact that I went out and did that crazy thing called marrying a girl.

But not just any girl. One I want to pin all my attention and affection on for a good while yet.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

On the hunt

Eli's mom reduced my hours recently, which was somewhat expected and I'm honestly grateful for. We both felt like it was too much: I was hanging around the house while she was there, and she was missing time with her baby. That puts me back on the job hunt, to find something else to go along with still watching him.

I actually have a couple of fairly good prospects, tangentially related to childcare without me actually caring for children. At first, I was overwhelmed again - it seems like every time I turn around, I'm needing to find different employment. But I'm forcing myself to not take the easy way out and look for another family (and yes, I'm aware that it isn't easy work, but for me, it is somewhat of a copout); instead, I'm trying to be a little more grown up and work for a company. But only the right kind.

What's really nice about all this? V has been teaching for a month and a half, and she gets paid for it! I have more flexibility in what I want to look for, and much less pressure to earn all the incomes immediately.

As always, stay tuned.

Monday, September 30, 2013

You've been warned

This post is both NSFW (depending on where you work) and strange, but at least I'm telling you in advance, right?

After a great deal of Eli being troublesome to get to sleep (gone are the days when his mom joked that I brought tranquilizers in my purse), I've reached a somewhat startling conclusion.

Getting a baby to sleep is not unlike trying to get a woman to orgasm.

You can do the same things you've done in the past, successfully, and one day it just up and doesn't work.

It's frequently a matter of guesswork, and always requires paying constant attention to practically nonexistent signs.

If you change it up at the wrong moment, you're doomed, and there is no hope.

The atmosphere has to be set just right.

It takes a certain though always varying amount of prep work and build up to reach the critical moment.

If I sound like a burnt out wife or nanny, rest assured I'm not. But it's worth writing down what goes through my head when I'm singing Hush Little Baby for the thirteenth time at one nap.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

This is just irritating

To the Christians who feel like being in America persecutes their way of life and their faith:

Try coming out as gay.
Come out as bi.
As poly.
As pagan.
As atheist.
As Muslim.
As kinky.
As any other "alternative" category you can dream up (no matter how the dreams may frighten you).

Watch your family reject you, or, at best, grit their teeth behind a smile. Know what it's like to live with the knowledge that people are always hoping and waiting for you to change.

A dear married, gay friend shared recently that her dad, who was formerly supportive of her, is starting to question himself. He's starting to wonder if maybe he was wrong about his only daughter, and she really is living a terrible, sinful life. V and I photographed this friend's wedding, and we have a picture of him dancing with her. It blew my mind. (Nothing compared to a later wedding we shot, with both brides' extended families in existence - wow!)

Watch yourself monitor your speech every day, in every situation. Run through the mental gymnastics of audience, timing, appropriateness, stress level, consequences, before saying
"My wife and I."
"Actually, we don't go to church."
"I love both of these people."
"I appreciate your concern, but the bruises aren't from abuse."
"I believe just as strongly, but in a different God."
"Last week, at the gay day at the park."

Is it worth it?
Will three or four words sever a relationship?
What you say is irrevocable. The wrong phrase - or email, or text, or glance at a computer screen, or novel - can lead to questions, accusations, consequences.
They might change your life for the worse.

You're better, being your true self. You're living an honest life.
That doesn't mean it's always easy.

Growing up

Baby Eli turned one yesterday, and celebrated by having a grumpy attitude and pouting at me. He's usually such a happy kid, too - no fair!

Kali, who's almost 2 1/2, is in preschool now, two or three days per week, and, according to her mom, loving it. Her sisters are a month into kindergarten.

Patrick and Lilly turn 5 next week. They were still 1 when I met them.

It's hard, being away from the kids I left. I love Eli, but those five in particular - Kali, Laura, Danielle, Patrick, and Lilly - are something special. We keep trying to plan a trip back, but failing. I don't like it. I need to see them soon.

I'm growing up too, I suppose, which is strange. I'm trying to discipline myself to write more. I have the free time, but I can never figure out what to say or how to do it. I'm trying to keep the house cleaner, since I have by far the easiest workload. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, if there is something I want to pursue.

Growing up is a challenge. I'm sure all my kids would agree.

Friday, September 6, 2013

New phrase

I've been trying a new personal phrase on for size.

"I don't want kids."

It's not something I've ever said. Ever. And I don't know that it's true, or if it is, I doubt it will remain true forever.

But every time I think something longing about a baby, or wish I had one, my brain says, "Eh, I don't think I want kids." And strangely, I don't really argue with it.

Most of this is precipitated by the fact that my depression has been flaring up lately, and so the thoughts of having to go off my medicine while pregnant, combined with the depressive thoughts of what a terrible person I am and what an inept parent I'll be, make it simpler to just forget about having kids.

I've never actually 'claimed' that thought, if you will. But now that I am, I'm finding it relaxing. It's almost like I can go, "Oh, okay, then no worries."

Will I have kids? Probably. This is me we're talking about; never having children would probably be the equivalent of never eating again. So am I lying to myself? It doesn't feel like it. If it becomes a statement that I flinch at, or try to rebut, I'll stop thinking it.

I have to admit, though: this doesn't apply to pregnant women. I still think they're adorable, and I will still grin every time I see one.

How long will this last? Who knows. But it's a fascinating thought experiment for the moment.