Judgment

I love Patrick and Lilly more than life.  Anyone who's been reading this blog for any length of time has (hopefully) picked up on that.  Those kids are amazing, and wonderful, and special, and have a huge chunk of my heart.

Which is why it pisses me off when I have to work extra-hard to get any sort of respect for being with them.  Some people see nannies as hard-working and giving.  I like to think of myself as both; thank you all.  But there are so many people I encounter who make snap judgments when they learn I'm not the "real mom."

1- People assume their real mother doesn't care about them all that much.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  She's the kind of woman who couldn't stay at home 24/7 without going crazy; she's very successful in her career, but that in no way means she does not or cannot love her kids.  She's obsessed with them.  I send her pictures and quotes during the day.  She spends her entire evenings and weekends going places and doing things with them, because she wants to.

2- People assume I don't care about them all that much.  Personally, I couldn't be a nanny and not feel connected to the kids.  Their mom mentioned once that one of her friends was worried her new nanny would get "too close" to her kids, and my twins' mom just stared at her.  "If I'm not the one there with my kids," she told me later, "I want it to be someone who's going to love them as much as I do."  And I have no choice in the matter.  A person can't spend every weekday with two kids, shepherding them from 22 months to 3 1/2 years and beyond, without getting attached.  So don't even imply that I'm in this for the money, or because it's "easy."

3- People assume the kids are neglected.  Um, no.

4- People assume I'm not as invested as a parent would be.  Again, no, and see above.

Sometimes I feel like their mom, their dad, and I are a triad of parenting.  I wouldn't phrase it this way to them, because I always try to be careful not to infringe on what are truly their parental rights, but the feeling remains.  Their mom consults me before most major decisions.  We talk together about how to approach Lilly's tantrums and Patrick's hatred of real fruit.

For people who have a nanny to make it work, they have to include her up to and possibly even beyond the point where she is an equal.  If more parents knew this, and more people knew it in general, I'd get a lot less pissy sometimes.  (And, of course, it's all about me.)

Tired

Took the kids to the dentist today, with their mom.  That was exhausting.  They aren't the screaming and wailing type, but they both clammed up and it took awhile to coax their mouths open.

The dentist visit, and other recent events, have put me back wondering why I'm doing this.  Why I am investing so much time and energy and emotion into two kids who aren't mine, who will never be mine, and who I'll never have a final say about anyway.

I know the logistics: the money, and why we're not ready to have a baby.  But I want one that's ours.  Where we can make the decisions, and do the raising, and it won't feel like I'm expending myself "uselessly."

It's not useless.  I know.  But sometimes it feels like it.

Interjection...
V, watching ants wobbling around the traps: "Keel over already, guys!"

Warm

There's a longer post coming later, about heat and bugs, but for now I give you this:

Me: See, the big yellow bushes are forsythia.
Patrick: Like Sissy! [what he calls Lilly] It's for-sissy-a!

He grinned at me, so proud of himself.  I love this age sometimes.
(Also, speaking of her, Lilly was in a much better mood today.  Not one tantrum; just accidentally shoving a stick down her throat and coughing a ton.)

Whiny

I didn't realize I hadn't posted at all this weekend.  Saturday was busy, with a photoshoot and then babysitting the twins (V and I took them to a park for dinner and exhaustion).  Yesterday we spent indoors all day, cleaning and doing work around the house.  I never even got dressed.

The kids and I went to the zoo today, and from the moment she woke up, Lilly was whiny and bratty.  Sometimes I really wish I only had one kid: there are so many moments when I would just say "that's enough; we're going home," but I can't do that to Patrick.

It's no good when Monday afternoon I'm already ready to be done with them.  Hopefully tonight will be restful(ish).  Oh, I'm actually exerting effort to make dinner, though, so there goes some of the rest.  I'll just turn into a whiny one now.

Loved

Apparently last night, Lilly and her mother got into a fight, and Lilly said "I don't want you; I want Lina."  Aww.  Though, as I told her mom today, that just begins to make up for all the "I want mommy!" I've had to deal with in the past...20 months?  Wow.

We went up to visit their mom at work again, for lunch, and had lots of fun.  She gave me the biggest ego boost ever, when she introduced our table to a coworker as "This is Patrick, my son, Lilly, my daughter, and Lina, my savior."  I told her how much of a verbal affirmation person I am, and how that comment made my week.

It really did put me in a good mood.  I have them tomorrow night, which I haven't done in awhile, too.

Gems

While driving the kids to gymnastics today, we passed a little boy down the street whom they know.  His babysitter was carrying him inside, hurrying to get out of the rain.  Lilly looked out the window and then asked me, "Why does Joey have a new mom?"

Apparently at the morning preschool class on Tuesday, a little boy had stripped totally, and was in the process of taking his diaper off.  That was curtailed, over his protestations that his "penis is hot!"  Darn, why are we in the boring afternoon class?

Fort

The twins have a decent-sized yard, but it's tiered due to a steep hill.  There's a fence at the bottom, and on the other side of that is mostly brush: random bushes, tall trees, lots of ground cover and fallen leaves.  Oh, and an old playset with a slide and swing, buried under all the nature.

With today being as gorgeous as it has been, we spent the day outside, riding bikes, blowing bubbles, and, on a whim, deciding to unearth the playset.  The kids didn't even know it was there; every ten minutes, Patrick would look at me and said, "How come slide here? We can ask Daddy."

We had two kid-sized snow shovels, a trowel, a mini-rake, a broom, and three wet towels, and we went to work.  Those two love cleaning, so they had a blast.  Patrick got the lower wooden level all swept off, while I shoveled leaves off the top part.  All three of us scrubbed who knows how many years of dirt and grass off the slide.  Then, of course, Lilly went down it three times and got the rest with her butt.

I have no idea what their parents will think, as they obviously know it's back there and have made no efforts toward using it with their kids, but hopefully we won't be prohibited.  We still have lots of cleaning to do.  If possible, I want to clear out a path to it (not just a walkable area with large branches removed) and line it with stones or logs, but we'll see.  I haven't done this sort of thing since the days when I followed my older brothers out to their secret forts in the woods.  Come to think of it, I was prohibited from those too.  One day I shall win!