Took the kids to the dentist today, with their mom. That was exhausting. They aren't the screaming and wailing type, but they both clammed up and it took awhile to coax their mouths open.
The dentist visit, and other recent events, have put me back wondering why I'm doing this. Why I am investing so much time and energy and emotion into two kids who aren't mine, who will never be mine, and who I'll never have a final say about anyway.
I know the logistics: the money, and why we're not ready to have a baby. But I want one that's ours. Where we can make the decisions, and do the raising, and it won't feel like I'm expending myself "uselessly."
It's not useless. I know. But sometimes it feels like it.
Interjection...
V, watching ants wobbling around the traps: "Keel over already, guys!"
Hey! I know that feeling! Though I've never been a nanny by profession (and whoa holy crap do I have massive tons of respect for nannies...) we did have foster kids. I would go through times when, although I was in charge 100% for an unknown span of time, I wondered often if anything we did for these kids would actually matter in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI assumed that once they went back to their mom that they'd revert to all their old habits, and all our work and heartache would amount to exactly zero.
But that was far too depressing to think of, and I had a conversation with a good friend about it and she helped me realize that loving somebody simply for who they are will always leave a mark, even if it's a small mark. Love matters. LOVE MATTERS. That's the only thing that got me through them going back home.
So while it's a different situation for you (obviously!), I want to make sure to say that same thing to you. Your love for these kids matters, even if sometimes you can't help but feel like it couldn't possibly. I'm sure you know that. But if all you needed is a pick-me-up after a rough day, here it is:
You're doing a wonderful, amazing, selfless thing! Thank you for doing such a great job. And oh yeah, LOVE MATTERS. :)
I actually had you in mind when I was writing, because I thought you'd fostered. Thanks for the better perspective, and the respect - sometimes I get tired of dealing with the nanny judgment (their parents obviously don't care about them, some strange nanny obviously isn't going to care about them, etc) as well. Kind words are always much appreciated!! I can only hope to leave a good mark on them. :)
DeleteIt takes a village, love. Everything you do does matter. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks sweets. That's always nice to hear. Though sometimes intimidating. ;)
DeleteIt does matter, and it will all pay off when you have your own. Perspective is so hard won.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I need other people around to force the perspective on me - and it's usually a good thing when they do. Thanks for the encouragement!
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