Expressions

Last Saturday, I watched Patrick and Lilly for the first time in close to a month. Patrick has finally broken his pacifier habit (which he'd still had for naps and bed), and he got to pick out bedding as a reward. His crib sheets were always white or light green, until he got a yellow-and-white pinstripe (and Lilly had a matching pink-and-white pinstripe). Now his bed is decked out like he really wants it-

After two years in first place, yellow has conceded to pink as Patrick's favorite color. His Easter shirt is pastel pink (with an awesome bowtie); he and Lilly have matching pink Hello Kitty toothbrushes; his dance tights (yes they are both in ballet) are pink.

I don't know if his parents are allowing him to express more, or if he's more comfortable expressing more, or what--but it's awesome. He's already such a sweet, fun kid, and now he's super cool on top of that. I mean, how great is it that his bed is Minnie Mouse?

They were talking about going on trips, and how they switch beds when they're traveling - they each have little mini air mattresses. "Because he likes princesses," Lilly said, "and I like cars."

Unfathomably tiny

Laura and Danielle, Kali's older sisters, are miracle babies. They were born at 24 weeks 2 days, and each weight 1 pound 6 ounces, 12 inches long.

Two weeks ago, they turned 5. They're still tiny, but they've thrived. They're full of life and energy and personality.

I met them just before they turned 3. I can't believe it's been over two years, and at the same time, I can't imagine knowing them before that. Knowing the incredibly tough road their parents walked, months spent in the NICU not honestly knowing what would happen, having already lost the other triplet.

Kali is in many ways the completion of their family, but the "big girls" - such a misnomer, as Kali is only a few pounds behind them, despite the 3 year age gap - are the heart and soul of that family. They've been involved with March of Dimes and other organizations since the beginning.

They are miracle children.

For their birthday, a banner hung on the hearth with memorabilia clipped to it. Onesies, hats, and diapers, from the early days. I can't imagine anyone fitting into them, not even a baby doll. Much less my own daughters.

Here's to the bravest, strongest girls I know.

The cuteness that runs my life

I have an iphone, now. You can guess where this is going. So many pictures of Kali, and so many pictures of cats. Join me!

Kali has so much hair now that I did this yesterday.
So now she looks like even more of an imp that she already does.

Reading Time magazine, apparently.

I kind of want this outfit for me.

Latke and Calcifer are snuggle buddies. And sometimes I wonder how they can breathe.

They come in orange! I love the orange one. So sweet.

Seriously. I am ridiculously in love with Latke.

How could I not be?!

Checking in

I always told myself that if I decided to stop blogging, I would post about it, instead of just slithering off into semi-accidental silence. Apparently, 5 weeks later, I have decided to come back, prompted by two very sweet messages from readers.

And what has been happening in the past month-ish? Everything, and more of the same. There has been so much writing for work that I haven't had the desire to write here; I think that might be settling down some, at least for the moment. I've been with Kali two or three days per week. She's 22 months now, and starting to turn into a 2 year old - though still as adorable as ever. I'll put up a picture or two soon.

V is trying not to drown in grad school, and get her resume perfect so she can send it out. We've settled on where we want to move! So this summer, everything will be in transition, but we are insanely excited. I'm very ready to go, and am resisting the urge to go ahead and get rid of a bunch of stuff. We're slowly working our way through the house.

So, people of the Internet: I'm up for writing more. But I'm not with children nearly as much, which was much of the original focus of this blog. If you want me to keep writing, what sort of things are you interested in seeing? I thrive on feedback! (Says the writing major.)

Humdrum

Life goes on, around here. I have a few days of intense babysitting (usually just Kali), and then get freelance work piled on. I'm in the middle of writing an email for a ceramics designer, describing wall art canvases, and piecing together an article about hiring practices. Never gets boring...well, yes, it does, but at least it's on to the next thing soon.

I saw Patrick and Lilly on Monday, for a short visit. It disturbs me in some ways how easily I've separated from them, how much I didn't want to go. All in all, it's a relief, once I convince myself that it doesn't mean I never loved them, etc. Their mom emailed me to ask if I could watch them either Monday or Wednesday evening next week; I haven't responded, but I flipped through my calendar, noted I was free both evenings, and thought, "Eh, maybe. We'll see."

I'm cutting back on childcare. I still love kids, but I'm done. Bug and Andrew's mom wants me once weekly, and honestly, I think I'm going to say no. It feels strange for me. But every time I watch kids, lately, I'm just counting down until I'm done. Kali (and her sisters) are the exception, as I've become good friends with their mom, and there's just something about that baby. Aside from her, though, I could pretty much stop all babysitting tomorrow with no problem.

I've come a long way in two and a half years, huh? I like this place I'm in--except the times that I have to watch kids, but as I said, those are becoming less and less. Especially as V and I look to hopefully move this summer, it's nice to be separated already. I'm content, in a place I never thought I'd be in, much less content in. It's a good feeling.

Fortnight

It's been almost two weeks since my last post, but I have plenty of legitimate excuses. V and I have been having a blast, visiting my parents (mostly a blast, some awkward moments), and then skipping around the city we hope to live in after she graduates.

Now that it's back to the rush of work, I can procrastinate by blogging! V is off to her first day at her new school, for her second semester of interning; I am back to writing about boring topics, but doing so from the comfort of my robe and my couch. I'm so thrilled to be able to have a mobile job, where I don't have to stress about finding one when we move.

I'm watching Kali once if not twice per week, for this semester, but otherwise staying pretty away from kids. I've reached the point of just being done. V and I watched Bug and Andrew on Saturday, and both came away with a sense of "This chunk of life needs to end." We just aren't invested anymore. Now with Kali, she's my baby. There's no denying that. But most everyone else...

I'm almost disturbed by how easily I separated from Patrick and Lilly. V says that just means it was time; I think I believe her. I need to go over there and pick up my house key (they checked on the cats while we were gone), and I don't want to. I think I just want to be done. Which doesn't bode well for the fact that I'm watching them for 2 days in two weeks. Sigh.

Okay, to my real writing! Or...to snuggle a cat, or something.

Secular

The farther away from Christianity I get, well, the farther away I get. The more the logical inconsistencies confound me. Driving home from V's parents' house, we passed a sign with John 3:16 and the words "How long would you let your child hang on a cross?"

That had the complete opposite effect of the writer's intention, I imagine. I wouldn't. At all. I remember asking my dad about that, when I was about twelve, and him telling me that God is Just. That answer satisfied me then, barely. But now?

Either he's God, or he isn't. If he's held to a specific definition of Justice, then justice is more powerful than he is. In which case, I'll skip God and "worship" that higher morality. If he isn't, then he could arrange things so that no crucifixion was necessary. This isn't new, I know. But seeing that sign solidified it, even more, for me.

When I started walking away from God, it was reluctant. I felt forced away, made to choose between love and religion, and I chose love. Then I wanted to stay away, because it was too complicated to stay. Slowly, that turned into wanting to forget the whole thing. I had no thoughts on religion. No comment. Most of my life had been spent having thoughts and comments about "God."

And now, "God" is in quotes. I'm done. I'm done jumping through hoops for reasons I don't even remember. In the car yesterday, I asked V, "Why? Why should I have faith?" and, coming from her family's perspective, her first offering was "So you won't go to hell." That's easy--I don't have any faith that it exists, either.

Am I an atheist? I don't know. That requires thoughts. But I'm done trying to even think about "God." It's become ridiculous. That's the only word for it. V is in a place, with more progressive religious folk, of "If that's what you need in your life, if that works for you, so be it." I'm still stuck on the Why. For me, there is no good answer. And I'm okay with that.