The farther away from Christianity I get, well, the farther away I get. The more the logical inconsistencies confound me. Driving home from V's parents' house, we passed a sign with John 3:16 and the words "How long would you let your child hang on a cross?"
That had the complete opposite effect of the writer's intention, I imagine. I wouldn't. At all. I remember asking my dad about that, when I was about twelve, and him telling me that God is Just. That answer satisfied me then, barely. But now?
Either he's God, or he isn't. If he's held to a specific definition of Justice, then justice is more powerful than he is. In which case, I'll skip God and "worship" that higher morality. If he isn't, then he could arrange things so that no crucifixion was necessary. This isn't new, I know. But seeing that sign solidified it, even more, for me.
When I started walking away from God, it was reluctant. I felt forced away, made to choose between love and religion, and I chose love. Then I wanted to stay away, because it was too complicated to stay. Slowly, that turned into wanting to forget the whole thing. I had no thoughts on religion. No comment. Most of my life had been spent having thoughts and comments about "God."
And now, "God" is in quotes. I'm done. I'm done jumping through hoops for reasons I don't even remember. In the car yesterday, I asked V, "Why? Why should I have faith?" and, coming from her family's perspective, her first offering was "So you won't go to hell." That's easy--I don't have any faith that it exists, either.
Am I an atheist? I don't know. That requires thoughts. But I'm done trying to even think about "God." It's become ridiculous. That's the only word for it. V is in a place, with more progressive religious folk, of "If that's what you need in your life, if that works for you, so be it." I'm still stuck on the Why. For me, there is no good answer. And I'm okay with that.