Brain (left)

A sentence I never thought I'd say:
I'm rethinking this whole childcare thing.
And another:
I think I want to put off having kids for a few years.

Part of me has been neglected for the past year or so.  I'm about to come up on my one year anniversary working with the twins, and lately there's been a feeling of discontent.  I'm a left-brain person.  I can tell you all my kids' birthdays and addresses off the top of my head; facts and numbers are my forte.  With the exception of the wedding, I haven't gotten to use that part of me much in this past year.

I miss excel documents, emails with questions, organization and order.

I don't want to give up childcare.  It's not an option, nor am I ready to leave the twins or other families I've gotten so attached to.  But I need to work on the parts of me that are ignored.  I don't have time in my schedule to pick up a part-time secretary gig.  I've tossed around being a wedding planner, because I enjoyed mine so much, but I don't think I'm ready for that commitment.  V and I joke about owning our own B&B, but that's years down the road.  I want to volunteer at a stable and get back into riding lessons, but horses aren't known for admiring a perfect excel sheet.

I'm at a loss.  I'm pushing through with my kids, because I don't have a choice, but my heart isn't in it right now.  And I don't feel like it will be back until I can satisfy all of it.  I just need to figure out how.