Monday, May 21, 2012

Someone

I have no idea if I'll be with Patrick and Lilly beyond the end of next school year. When V graduates, we could be headed out of state or overseas; that prospect is really exciting.

My "problem" is that they don't start kindergarten until the 2014-2015 school year.

This fall, they'll be in preschool three afternoons per week. I'm so excited to watch them grow and have all those new experiences. Then there will be another year of preschool after that.

What if I'm not the one who is around for it? What if someone else suddenly starts taking care of my kids? I know their parents have first rights; that's never far from my mind, and I would never want to threaten that. But after that, they're my kids. I'm not even putting quotes around 'my' at the moment, either.

Kindergarten, in my head, is a natural stopping point for me. Given their dad's work schedule, they may not even have in-home care, once they're in school all day. But for the year in between now and then? There will definitely be someone. And what on earth do I do, if that someone isn't me?

That's enough to make me cry. Thinking about the kids asking about me (because they would), about somebody strange trying to understand their silly phrases and beginning-stage whines, knowing someone else is making them breakfast and lunch and giggling when they put apples in their yogurt.

I tend to worry about the future. A lot. But rarely practical worries: no, it's this sort. It's the fact that I will burst into tears if I think too long about someone else in my role. The fact that they'll go on growing up without me.

They don't love you like I love you...

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