Tally

So far it's two down - Patrick and their mom.  Lilly is still okay, as is their dad.  And me.  I'm once again waiting to hear from them for what today's plan is, but tentatively I'm going to grab Lilly and get out of the house.  I will not get sick.  I will not get sick.

Yesterday was apparently my productive morning.  Today, I woke up disoriented, and have been sitting on the couch for most of the morning.  Though I should probably put clothes on so I'm ready when she calls.

I will not get sick.  I will not get sick.  I will not get sick.

Call

Right now, I'm on call to go to the twins.  Their mom texted me this morning: "Last night before bed, Patrick said he had to throw up. It continued until 7am. Was supposed to fly out today but that didn't happen. When they get up we can see how they're doing. If he's okay may go into office; if not may have you take Lilly out." (Okay, so it was four texts.)

I always loved those days in college when I'd tramp across campus to see a sign on the door, "ENGL 471 canceled today."  Part of me was annoyed that I'd already walked all that way, but most of me was super glad at the unexpected reprieve.  Now, though, I feel bad.  My only surprise time off comes at the expense of the kids' mom's job, sleep, and sanity.  On the upside, I'm really productive during unanticipated free time: see, dishes done, see, sweeping happening after this post.  But I still feel guilty.

And, unless Lilly wakes up feeling terrible, I'm still going over there.  Just not sure if I'll have one or two kids.  And hoping per usual that I don't end up hurling my guts out later in the week.

Paint

I just did the entire second coat of paint on our room by myself.  And I hate painting.  But V had work and school stuff to do, and darn if I'm not more than ready for our room to be done.  We bought the paint ten days ago - a beautiful slate gray color - and did both coats today.  Tomorrow, we get to set up our bedframe from Ikea!

My hands hurt from gripping the roller, and I don't think I'll even want to look at any paint for a week, to the twins' probably annoyance, but I did it.  I feel productive.  The room really does look good; the white mantel and the molding stand out now.

On top of that, it's going to be sunny for the next few days!  And our room gets a great deal of natural light.

Oh yeah, and this past week, I went to all three of the yoga classes I've been wanting to!  We'll see if I can keep up this three-per-week (especially since one is 9:30 Saturday morning), but I'm proud of myself for that too.

Good job me for painting, good job me for yoga, good job sun for shining.

Bug

My "little" Bug, who will be 3 at the end of May, has grown up so much.  V and I have been over watching Bug and Andrew both tonight and last Friday; Andrew is almost 14 months old and all over the place.  Bug, though, is a different person too.  She's sweet.  She's actually somewhat unselfish.  She's just plain delightful, frequently.

It's so lovely.  It gives me hope for Lilly - she'll grow out of this screaming phase; she'll get better.  This too shall pass.  I'm hoping sooner rather than later.  And I'm glad I have one more day of weekend.

Child(un)care

Yesterday was a day of "I love you, but I reallyreallyreally don't like you."  I tried writing about it last night but couldn't.

Lilly screamed at me for most of the day.  Her mom and I have talked over a couple different ideas on why her tantrums have gotten so ugly lately; that doesn't help the fact that they have, though.  She screamed at me over breakfast.  I had to carry her to the van and pin her to her carseat to buckle her.  We went to storytime and the playground.  She ran to the tallest spot on the playground and I had to go fetch her, screaming, and carry her to the van, pin her to her carseat, etc.

She ended up in her crib over lunch, because she threw a tantrum and then kept kicking her bedroom door.  I had to put her naptime diaper on while trying to stand her on her head (not as easy as it sounds, and it doesn't sound easy), because she kept kicking me.  She broke the first diaper.

This isn't a violent child.  She's usually so sweet - and I got glimpses of that yesterday, as she and Patrick kicked their little balls around the house and she said "let's play soccer and sing our songs!"  But when she acts out, she's totally out of control.  I think it's pretty common to hear "who took my angel and replaced her with a monster?"...well...who did?  Because I can't take this for very long.  There's no way I'll break her spirit, nor do I want to, but she might break mine.

Quote

I read the statement this morning released by the Washington senator who has pledged to be the 25th (and therefore last necessary) vote for marriage in the state.  There was a section that I posted to Facebook, and so far, all the comments are positive, but I'll be interested to see if any discussion sparks.  It's a beautiful way to be true to herself, while still being a legislator for all.


"I have very strong Christian beliefs, and personally I have always said when I accepted the Lord, I became more tolerant of others. I stopped judging people and try to live by the Golden Rule. This is part of my decision. I do not believe it is my role to judge others, regardless of my personal beliefs. It's not always easy to do that. For me personally, I have always believed in traditional marriage between a man and a woman. That is what I believe, to this day.


"But this issue isn't about just what I believe. It's about respecting others, including people who may believe differently than I. It's about whether everyone has the same opportunities for love and companionship and family and security that I have enjoyed."

Yoga

Due to a giant Lilly tantrum that involved being screamed at all the way home from the zoo, and some not-so-thrilling other drama, I was a rant-filled mess this afternoon.

Then I went to yoga.  Now I'm so very cuddly and happy at the world.  So wonderful.

And the zoo was awesome (and empty, due to wind and almost-rain the whole time) until the ride home.  I hadn't been in probably two months.  A baby bonobo played with us through the glass!

Justify

I had the kids tonight, for their parents' monthly date night.  Their mom warned me that Lilly had been in a mood all day; after they left, she seemed alright, just her usual mini-tantrums popping up periodically.  But over dinner, she became lethargic, sleepy, and starting running a fever.  We did medicine and cuddles in front of the tv after I checked in with her parents.  Forty-five minutes later she'd perked up and was playing.  She ate a decent sized snack (after having three bites at dinner), and was her normal self when her mom walked in the door.  I felt vaguely like an idiot - it seemed like absolutely nothing was wrong and had ever been.  Their mom and I talked about various things, I don't feel like going into the whole conversation...but I still so, so strongly felt the need to justify myself.

I trusted my gut.  I do that a lot, and I'm very okay with it.  But trying to explain that to other people is impossible sometimes.  I said, "I'm going to console myself with the thought that had we not done medicine and cuddles, she would be violently ill right now."  Her mom laughed.

This is just one of those times when I want the babies to be my own.  When I want to make decisions without worrying about how to explain it.  When I won't have to feel guilty about doing what I think is right.  Sometimes watching other people's kids feels like too much.  It's too complicated.  The politics of policies tangle my head.  I'm just yearning for the time when V and I can have our baby, and not give a mouse's behind what other people think of our decisions.

Growth

Coloring books this morning.  Lilly told me she was going to color the girl's eyes purple...and she did.  Messily, but she put the marker on her eye and started coloring.

Not a big deal, no.  But enough to give me flashbacks of scrawls covering the paper as if there wasn't even a picture underneath.

Darn them, why must they keep growing up?!  But it's so wonderful...

APB

This
End Piracy, Not Liberty
is imperative.

That's all I'm going to say today.

Future

Silly confession: I feel like I should/have to keep this blog going until V and I start trying to get pregnant, since I know I'll want to chronicle that.  I read a decent number of TTC (trying to conceive) blogs, or blogs that started that way and now are about babies, and I fully expect that I'll join them one day.  So, since I already have a platform, I'll just keep rambling away at it for the next two or three years.

Optimistic?  I suppose so.  And I guess I would need to change the name.

Class

The kids are in a new class, on Fridays.  It's a "cultural" class, where they'll learn bits of other languages, do songs and dances and some yoga, and generally learn that all people are awesome.  I'll be in there for at least the first class, but I think I want to stay the whole term - doesn't that sound so neat?

This means we'll have school on Tuesdays, gymnastics on Thursdays, and culture (not the real name of it, of course) on Fridays.  Yay for routines, and less endless trips to the children's museum and aquarium.

Again, I feel like I'm left with nothing to say.  There's a point to blogging, right?  My brain is so full of V's classes, home improvement, craft plans, finances, and more...  I'm pretty sure I deeply ponder things; I'm just not sure when or what.

Parents

No, that's not as in, "we're becoming parents."  It's my parents are in town, and V and I spent today with them, and...had a good time.  A genuinely good time.  No awkward specter of gay marriage hanging over it (though they were, in fact, sitting under a few pictures of our gay marriage, in the living room).  We went through a museum that sounded boring and turned out to be awesome, ate at two fabulous restaurants, and walked around in the cold weather looking at historical houses.  Tomorrow, we make them brunch, hang out at the house, and send them on their way.

I'm really pleased with this visit.  V is too.  I like liking my parents.

Heard

One of the things I truly appreciate about the twins' mom is how much she takes my opinions into consideration.  I emailed her the other day with the link to some kids' classes I thought was interesting; she responded saying she didn't think the kids were ready for three things per week (gymnastics and preschool, currently), but asked my opinion.

I replied, telling her that every day Lilly asks "Can we go somewhere?" and I feel like I'm scrounging.  They really want to be out doing things now.  They love leaving the house, getting involved, going new places.  Their mom's response to my email?  "Okay, so which class do you think they would like best?"

We're not in anything new just yet, but I feel so very heard.  It's true, I'm the one who handles the every-morning requests.  I'm just so glad she realizes that and listens to what I say.  Stay tuned!

Caregiver

I've spent all day today in a losing battle with a headache.  It's not pleasant.  This morning, I told the kids I was going to just sit in the rocking chair because my head hurt - Lilly had just asked me to play a game with her.  Patrick promptly got his blankies out of his crib and was bringing them to me, though he got distracted and they ended up on the floor.  A few minutes later, I mentioned that I wanted to go downstairs to look for some medicine.  Patrick then suggested, "maybe you go lie down and rest on mommy's bed."  I texted that to their mom, and she replied "He's such a caregiver!"  It's true - sometimes both of them can be so nurturing and sweet.  I feel like it reflects well on all of us who have raised them, that their example is positive.

And now, I'm lying down and resting on my own couch with my own blanket, and it's wonderful.

French

We had our first class of the new preschool session today, and I do like it better.  It's for 3s and 4s, as opposed to the 18month-3.5year that the old one was.  Some of the same kids are still there; the new ones we met today seem pretty neat as well.

One of the moms' husband is French, and the kids are bilingual.  She was switching languages with her son during class today.  I'm in love.

She's also pregnant, and when I asked her if she knows whether it's a boy or girl, she answered, then asked me if I'd found out.  I always hate the part where I have to break the news that I'm not the mother.  She and her husband are, as she put it, trying not to find out - I'm not sure how far along she is, but I'll be intrigued to see if they make it all the way to a surprise birth day.

And, I feel like today is probably an anomaly, but we made it through with no tantrums!  And the new class doesn't end until 2:30, so the kids weren't down until 3:10.  I'm impressed with them.

Week

Another Monday, here I come.  Preschool has switched classes, so it'll be on Tuesdays now - not that I'm ready to go back; last Friday was one of my more annoying experiences there.  But it will be nice having scheduled activities on Tuesdays and Thursdays instead of Thursdays and Fridays.  Who knows what we'll do the other days, but we'll figure it out as always.  I can already tell you that they'll want to go to the aquarium.

Their schedule is driving me up a wall.  They need to be getting up and going to bed earlier, and napping shorter.  The frustrations of not being the primary caretaker!

Names

One thing that frustrates me, at the thought of V and I (or any two girls, or two guys) having a baby, is that we have to come up with our own names for ourselves.  I know many couples seem to embrace that freedom.  They see it as another chance to self-designate, just like choosing to do or not do things traditionally falling into gender roles.  But for me, it's frustrating.

I want a baby.  Anyone who's ever read the header on this site knows that.  But, secretly, a little part of me wants things to simply fall into place.  I'm okay with finding sperm.  I'm okay with getting a little creative trying to get me pregnant.  I'm okay with having to do a lot of research to have the birth I believe is best.  But, at the end of it, can't we just know who we are?

We've talked about using Mommy and Mama.  It's the most common, from what I've seen.  I would be mommy; V would be mama.  But I can't settle there.  Babies don't start saying mommy for a long time.  And I love "mama," coming out of a little mouth.  But I'm not saying V should be relegated to mommy - in fact, I'm not even saying mommy is a better or worse term.  For some reason, I'm just not really a fan of it right now.  Maybe I've heard "I want mommy!" too many times this week.

Then there are the other language alternatives.  Ima, the Hebrew, is another popular term.  But we have no real connection to any other languages.  Maddy, or some combination of mother-father terms, is another alternative; neither of us are masculine-acting enough to feel comfortable with a father-type term.  I don't want to use first names, or "Mommy First Name."

Why do I worry about this now?  Probably because kids are always on my mind, and if I didn't think about it, I would have to think about more practical (read: stressful) things.  Which I don't want to do.

Bad

I've been a bad blogger lately.  Bloggess?  Do I have a title?

Lilly is having a rough time with her mom going back to work.  Lots of "I want mommy," and lots of tired tantrums.  It was nice to send them into the gymnastics classroom today.  Watching them from afar, they are adorable and really well behaved.  Of course, as soon as we got back to the van, Lilly had a meltdown that last for most of the 45 minutes of driving home, finishing lunch, and going to sleep.

Right now, I'm watching V practice kids dances.  She's working with a company who teaches dance classes for kids in daycares and schools.  She's also pretty adorable.

I feel like I should have more coherent thoughts, but I've spent most of today being drained.  TMI disclosure: V and I are coinciding on being girls, aka on the downside of being a lesbian couple, aka on being moody and emotional and weak.  Plus there's a lot of financial stress in life right now, which is actually fairly unusual for us, and I don't handle it well.

So that's where I am in life.  Quiet, sleepy, a bit moody, and ready for it to be the weekend.  First up, preschool tomorrow.

Reading

In lieu of me posting, read this article.  It almost had me in tears (though, admittedly, I cry easily).  Yes.

2012

I will still post in 2012, I promise.  Right now, though, V and I are both fighting sinus yuckiness, hosting friends/family in the new house, trying to get the new house ready for said hosting, and being tight for money until her loan refund comes in, ten days from now.

So it's been a bit of a stressball phase of life.  I'll return to normal soon.