I had the kids tonight, for their parents' monthly date night. Their mom warned me that Lilly had been in a mood all day; after they left, she seemed alright, just her usual mini-tantrums popping up periodically. But over dinner, she became lethargic, sleepy, and starting running a fever. We did medicine and cuddles in front of the tv after I checked in with her parents. Forty-five minutes later she'd perked up and was playing. She ate a decent sized snack (after having three bites at dinner), and was her normal self when her mom walked in the door. I felt vaguely like an idiot - it seemed like absolutely nothing was wrong and had ever been. Their mom and I talked about various things, I don't feel like going into the whole conversation...but I still so, so strongly felt the need to justify myself.
I trusted my gut. I do that a lot, and I'm very okay with it. But trying to explain that to other people is impossible sometimes. I said, "I'm going to console myself with the thought that had we not done medicine and cuddles, she would be violently ill right now." Her mom laughed.
This is just one of those times when I want the babies to be my own. When I want to make decisions without worrying about how to explain it. When I won't have to feel guilty about doing what I think is right. Sometimes watching other people's kids feels like too much. It's too complicated. The politics of policies tangle my head. I'm just yearning for the time when V and I can have our baby, and not give a mouse's behind what other people think of our decisions.