Secular

The farther away from Christianity I get, well, the farther away I get. The more the logical inconsistencies confound me. Driving home from V's parents' house, we passed a sign with John 3:16 and the words "How long would you let your child hang on a cross?"

That had the complete opposite effect of the writer's intention, I imagine. I wouldn't. At all. I remember asking my dad about that, when I was about twelve, and him telling me that God is Just. That answer satisfied me then, barely. But now?

Either he's God, or he isn't. If he's held to a specific definition of Justice, then justice is more powerful than he is. In which case, I'll skip God and "worship" that higher morality. If he isn't, then he could arrange things so that no crucifixion was necessary. This isn't new, I know. But seeing that sign solidified it, even more, for me.

When I started walking away from God, it was reluctant. I felt forced away, made to choose between love and religion, and I chose love. Then I wanted to stay away, because it was too complicated to stay. Slowly, that turned into wanting to forget the whole thing. I had no thoughts on religion. No comment. Most of my life had been spent having thoughts and comments about "God."

And now, "God" is in quotes. I'm done. I'm done jumping through hoops for reasons I don't even remember. In the car yesterday, I asked V, "Why? Why should I have faith?" and, coming from her family's perspective, her first offering was "So you won't go to hell." That's easy--I don't have any faith that it exists, either.

Am I an atheist? I don't know. That requires thoughts. But I'm done trying to even think about "God." It's become ridiculous. That's the only word for it. V is in a place, with more progressive religious folk, of "If that's what you need in your life, if that works for you, so be it." I'm still stuck on the Why. For me, there is no good answer. And I'm okay with that.

Celebrate

V and I left her parents on Christmas Eve morning, and drove home. Yesterday was spent lying on the couch relaxing, cleaning the house, and watching a movie. It was the most un-Christmas-like day.

I've always wanted one of those - a holiday that I could just ignore - and now, having had one, I'm conflicted. Perhaps I like the family and the event and the festivities more than I realized. (Still not decorations, though. Those are pointless and time-consuming.) I'm glad we didn't have to mess with any of it yesterday, and we'd already celebrated with V's family over the weekend, but it was still strange.

The major perk for me, though, is that I can focus on my birthday tomorrow without being exhausted and overwhelmed from yesterday. My birthday has never felt so far away from Christmas, and I love it! It's like it's in its own special month, instead of slapped on after the biggest holiday of the year. How cool! (Yes, I'm jealous of the vast majority of the world who already has this perk.)

Happy almost-birthday to me. Now, with less Christmas!

Roles

I have a different role with the twins now, and I love it. I'm not sure what it is yet - part occasional babysitter, part adopted aunt, part...something.

V and I went over there the other night to drop off Christmas gifts. The kids were SO excited to see us: talking a mile a minute, over each other, jumping up and down, all over the place. Their mom even commented a few times how thrilled they were to see us.

It feels so much healthier. I want to see them now, knowing it'll make their day, knowing that will make mine. No more dreading seeing them. No more gunning up the courage to face a day of tantrums. No more tantrums, for that matter.

I still love those kids. I love them even more now that I'm in their life less.

Internal

Friday night, I watched Laura, Danielle, and Kali. The big girls are almost 5 now. Danielle wears a brace on one foot to sleep in, but I don't know how to put it on, and their mom hadn't mentioned it, so I was just going to skip it at bedtime. When she reminded me of it, I told Danielle, "I don't know how it goes, so I think you can just sleep without it for tonight."

Laura piped up, as she went and got the brace, "Well, you can just try."

I'm glad she's internalized that lesson. Don't accept "I can't" without trying. But...really? Though with the two of them talking me through it, we got it all set. Guess Laura was right after all.

Close

This year is quickly drawing to an end, which astounds me - and excites me, as I think 2013 is going to be fantastic. In reading over my posts from this past year, I see so much of the stress and frustration that culminated in me leaving the twins, but it still startled me when I realized it in October. It's been a wonderful decision, though it will take us a few more weeks to recover any sort of financial stability; watching them at the Christmas party last night, I felt so thrilled to be in their life and still "show them off," as it were, yet not responsible for their every day and every action.

2012 was the year of:
Patrick getting to wear sparkly pants (though I'm saddened by his mom's comment, last night, that he didn't want to get in his "fancy" (Christmas) clothes for the party, because he wanted to wear a skirt, and she said bows were fine but that was just too far) and other gender moments.
A less than successful first anniversary trip
A continuation of our wedding infamy
Free range nannying
Lots of learning how to parent
Struggling with depression still
Being gay and in love, and all that
Losing a family
The election
And, of course, saying goodbye to the twins

Obviously we still have a few more weeks, but I'm ready. 2013, hopefully the year of graduation and moving and incomes and friends and excitement.

Behave

The twins' parents' Christmas party is tonight, so I'm babysitting and V is bartending. Each year, the kids and I spend more time downstairs and less up in their room; I'm expect to be mostly mingling this year, until the kids get overwhelmed.

It's usually a fun experience, with lots of people complimenting me on the kids and how great they are. This year will obviously be a little different, as I'm no longer their primary nanny, but I'll still take the kudos.

Of course, I just remembered that their great-uncle (I think) is also usually in attendance. He's always at their birthday parties, but I think the Christmas party too. He's known for lines like "I'd always behave if I was out in public with you" and "If you were my nanny, I'd listen to every word you said."

FYI? That's not a compliment. That's a creepy, creepy statement.
Either he won't be there/won't say anything tonight, and my life will go on as normal, or he will, and I'll have something else for the memoir I'll eventually write. Silver linings and all that.

Twelfth

We're in the last month of the year now, so hard to believe. I'm not usually a fan of December. It has my birthday, which is sometimes good and sometimes too complicated to be worth it, and it has Christmas, which always seems too complicated to be worth it.

The weather's been beautiful, though; today's high is 70. Though it also rained this morning...which is why, going around a curve, the scooter and I ended up parallel to the road, instead of perpendicular like we're supposed to be. I'm fine, just a killer headache from smacking my helmet into the pavement. The scooter starts, but doesn't sound good, and isn't running right. Just what we need before Christmas.

Oh, and protip? Don't leave your job right before a holiday at the end of the month. Financial stress is nobody's best friend. It'll straighten out in the next week or two (well, that was the case before this morning's scooter spill; hopefully it still stands), but that doesn't mean I like where we are now.

So, happy December to you all, and may we make it to the new year with sanity and speed.