Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Drained

I'm drained.  I'm texting people things I won't remember or relate to tomorrow, not because I'm drunk, but because I'm depleted.  I've cried.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Well, yes, I do.  I'm overloaded, and panicking because I'm about to go into a situation with my two least favorite qualities: the unknown, and me not being in control.

I'm terrified.  Does my rational side think (know) we'll be happy in this house?  Yes.  Obviously.  Does that stop me from freaking out about the move, the money, the everything?  Not at all.  Is the timing horrible?  Yep.

V and I are staying with my cousin when we go visit my mom's side of the family over Thanksgiving.  A simple email from him, "Does Granny know you're married?" ended with me in tears and praying I hadn't just spilled my soul in the message I typed out.  Quick check - I didn't.  Just gave him the rundown of the drama: who knows what, who doesn't, who does but doesn't want anyone else to.  Check, check, check.

And we return next Friday, and move on Saturday.
And I think I know where the money's coming from, but I'm not sure where it puts us for traveling and Christmas and all those end-of-year expenses.

Florence + the Machine on Pandora.  I'm going to go through a pile of papers that's been on the floor for months.  Hopefully that will consume my mind.  (My racing mind at night, and consequent lack of sleep, is another stress.)

I'll try to be better soon.

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