I took off the "Limited" list on my Facebook profile today. I had one, named that, restricting certain people from seeing my relationship statuses - old church moms and extended family, mainly. But I deleted it totally.
When I first told my dad that V and I were together, one of the things he said surprised me. Instead of a sound condemnation, he said, "Well, if that's who you feel you are, be that person totally. Don't hide behind things." Given that V and I were attending a school where we would have been expelled, I obviously couldn't follow that advice perfectly; now that we've graduated, though, it keeps ringing in my ears.
I don't really want a ton of questions from people. I don't really want people I haven't talked to in five years sending me accusatory messages. But I also don't want to spend the next however many years double-checking what I say, in case the wrong person reads it. I don't want to have to hide what's going on in my life.
I hate the guilt that I still have. Anytime I mention something about V or the wedding, my internal voice tells me, "You're so mean. Way to rub it in your family's faces, knowing they'll read it, and it will cause them pain. Such a nice daughter/sister/cousin/niece." And I fight it. I think, there are plenty of hetero couples I'm friends with who advertise their upcoming happy days all over the social network universe, and here I can't even change my status yesterday to say that I'll be married in a week.
I want to get over it. But there's still a little part of me saying I'm wrong, or that maybe I'm right but other people think I'm wrong, and if I have any consideration, I'll stop throwing my lifestyle out there. Am I pushing the "gay agenda" by telling the world that I get to marry my love? (On a side note, apparently the phrase "gay agenda" isn't known outside evangelical circles.)
Wedding pictures will be posted, though. Relationship statuses will be changed. And I fully expect some congratulatory comments. And the world will just have to deal. I'm just that mean.