Sunday, February 27, 2011

Guilt

I took off the "Limited" list on my Facebook profile today.  I had one, named that, restricting certain people from seeing my relationship statuses - old church moms and extended family, mainly.  But I deleted it totally.

When I first told my dad that V and I were together, one of the things he said surprised me.  Instead of a sound condemnation, he said, "Well, if that's who you feel you are, be that person totally.  Don't hide behind things."  Given that V and I were attending a school where we would have been expelled, I obviously couldn't follow that advice perfectly; now that we've graduated, though, it keeps ringing in my ears.

I don't really want a ton of questions from people.  I don't really want people I haven't talked to in five years sending me accusatory messages.  But I also don't want to spend the next however many years double-checking what I say, in case the wrong person reads it.  I don't want to have to hide what's going on in my life.

I hate the guilt that I still have.  Anytime I mention something about V or the wedding, my internal voice tells me, "You're so mean.  Way to rub it in your family's faces, knowing they'll read it, and it will cause them pain.  Such a nice daughter/sister/cousin/niece."  And I fight it.  I think, there are plenty of hetero couples I'm friends with who advertise their upcoming happy days all over the social network universe, and here I can't even change my status yesterday to say that I'll be married in a week.

I want to get over it.  But there's still a little part of me saying I'm wrong, or that maybe I'm right but other people think I'm wrong, and if I have any consideration, I'll stop throwing my lifestyle out there.  Am I pushing the "gay agenda" by telling the world that I get to marry my love?  (On a side note, apparently the phrase "gay agenda" isn't known outside evangelical circles.)

Wedding pictures will be posted, though.  Relationship statuses will be changed.  And I fully expect some congratulatory comments.  And the world will just have to deal.  I'm just that mean.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you, Lina! I didn't know you had a Limited list, but I love that you took it off. We all go through this guilt, no matter what the "agenda" behind it. I'm FB friends with my 13 year old cousin and there are times when I want to swear or say something her parents would disapprove of her reading. I think about whether what I'm saying is completely inappropriate or not. If it is, then chances are no one wants to read it. If it's not, then I post it and just accept that her parents will have to deal with me "corrupting" their daughter. You're not alone in your "I'm so mean" guilt.

    That said, Congratulations!!!! It's getting so much closer! Gushing about your wedding on FB is TOTALLY normal and good. You're in LOVE and you should sound like it! Big hugs!

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  2. you seriously made me cry! im tottally your blog stalker for the day, sorry! I have been dating a woman and i often wonder if its okay to talk about her, I have realized that i can't come out till i come out. honesty is a beautiful thing and if people don't like it then it's their problem.

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  3. I love blog stalkers! And I'm coming to that point with honesty...I think it's a good place, though it's definitely scary.

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